Imperfection

"...Sorry, I'm kinda tired"

To think that not being rested justifies wrong thinking! When I get tired, it starts off that I shut up into myself as a guard at first, but then once I feel "safe" I let down my emotional guard. Interestingly enough, that's the time when I write my best poetry. But unfortunately, I also get more emotional, and my feelings get freer. It is when I'm at the tiredest that I feel the most selfish, the most self pity. I want people to feel sorry for me, I want an emotive outlet. What I really want is me, and not God. What a fool am I!

It was at such a time this afternoon that I was talking to my good friend and I asked how she was and she told me of how she was scheduled at her job to work this Sunday, and she refused to do so, said she was bordering on quitting. She said that she found someone to cover her shift that day, but had to work late the day before.

Here I was subconsciously thinking of myself, and here she was thinking not about herself, but striving to please God. A chasm grew between us, with me on the far lower side. I was proud of her, Oh so very proud, but I was utterly ashamed of myself. I've been making excuses and coming with ways to justify myself. Never more. "Quoth the raven, Nevermore." Nothing is an excuse for what I do. All I can control is myself, and i cant even control that.

You are the beginning and end, but I am nothing. Dear lord, please take my life and make it yours. Help me do your will each day, Guide my paths. May my wisdom be shown as foolishness, and may your grace be my wisdom now and evermore.
Change my heart, oh God
Make it ever true.
Change my heart, oh God
May I be like you.

Amen