decem verba

Thoughts.

Thoughts don't.

Thoughts don't make.

Thoughts don't make sense.

Can't.

Can't feel.

Can't feel my.

Can't feel my heart.

Love.

Love is.

Love is always.

Love is always hard.

Time.

Time moves.

Time moves ever.

Time moves ever still.

Hurt.

Hurt can.

Hurt can only.

Hurt can only heal.

God.

God doesn't.

God doesn't ever.

God doesn't ever abandon.

Thought without magic

Have you ever thought without magic?

Words with definitions precise

Seemingly each devoid of all wonder

Logic instead of what's nice.

What's real is what my heart is ever after

My mind to mimic actuality

Maybe this leads to truth without comfort

But bliss less ignorant is reality.

What if this leads me to question my God?

To see what he does that strikes me as odd

And wonder if things that I think that I know

Are error, when removed, will cause me to grow?

Clearly and coldly I'll think as I wonder

For all that's at stake if my heart were to blunder

If perception doesn't match reality

The God I know isn't the God that made me.

To stop here would be a grievous mistake

For love-lacking logic is far worse than fake

The things that I know must cause me to act

Worship and care should follow fact

Is it true that logic leads to love?

Through humble deliberation brings wonder above

To know that my God makes sense and is real

Causes me to majestically feel.

Do you understand that Jesus was logic?

Precisely, was "Logos" as John set forth hence

God's love and his justice were locked in paradox

So Jesus, sent to die, was sent to make sense.

It just so happens what fulfills the law

Also fills my soul with awe

For God so loved logic that He sent us His son

To die our death deserved to make us like one

To Feel Again

I haven't been able to feel much this past week. My heart was stuffy as if it had a cold. Most people think depression is where you are really sad, or a perpetual debbie-downer.  Depression doesn't work that way.  There are two main kinds of depression. On one hand, you have people who feel more than normal people do.  I have a couple of friends like that. "Happy" for them is euphoria for a "normal" person, and sad is dysphoria. They can't contain, nor control their emotions.  They are caught in a whirlwind and feel like they can't get out of it.  People with this type of depression have an incredible blessing beyond the obvious curses; they have felt emotions that I can't begin to comprehend.  They have tasted heaven, along with the hell.

The other kind of depression is, I feel, the more sinister.  People with this depression feel less.  Do you know how hard it is not to feel?  To want to cry, but can't?  To see a sunset that you know is overwhelmingly beautiful, but remain underwhelmed? To eagerly anticipate free time for a hobby, but find yourself unable to focus...again. To walk next to someone special, to share in a precious moment, yet feel distant. Detached. Dead.  What does a man do if he can't feel?  How can a man cry out to God...if he can't cry at all.

Today I felt again; I laughed the hardest I have in a long time; I cried harder than I have in a long time. God heard my muddled, muffled heart.  He gave me strength of heart to live and love. He kindled joy in my heart that gives me hope. It's a reminder to me that God is in all things sovereign.  He can bring a man down to the depths; He can raise him up to the heavens.  He can give a man depth of heart, and he can take it away.  He is the same God to both, and to both, He is good.  He is the measure by which real and normal take meaning.  I don't know why I go through phases of lifelessness, but I know that in it, God is good, and that somehow my lifelessness will bring life more abundant to either me, or some other of His children.  As much as it cuts me to the core, I delight in the opportunity to be forced to rely on God's strength completely, in heart and mind, when my own falters.  God is good.

Thanks

I thank God for pain.  I know that seems really odd, or maybe downright crazy.  I thank Him for it none the less.    We have the capacity to create worlds.  Worlds so deceptively perfect that we forget what's real.  Pain wakes us up.  It calls us back to God.  It faces us - kicks us in face - with the question of how a good God could be sovereign over a world so evil.  In the face of pain, one cannot ignore God.

I thank God for a rainy day.  You think I jest or lie to myself, but I do...thank him, that is.  Gloomy, Eeyore days are days "that the Lord has made" no different than the sunny ones.  Rain, thunder, clouds, and snow all work to make the flowers grow.  Hardship is the wildfire that prepares our hearts for growth.

I thank God for silence.  I find myself trying to fill it whenever I meet it.  I try to silence silence.  You know, God speaks in silence.  I spend my time crying to God for wisdom and clarity, and I don't even listen to his whispers. After witnessing the strength and faithfulness of God in dispelling the prophets of baal with fire from heaven, Elijah ran to the mountains in fear of his life from Queen Jezebel. He was hiding in a cave.  God told Elijah that he would pass by the cave and talk to him.  There was an earthquake, a fire, and a tornado, but the presence and word of God was not in those.  After all these things, there "came a gentle whisper."  God spoke to Elijah in the silence.  After deafening, devastating noise,  the voice of the Lord came in a whisper.  Listen to it, will you?

I thank God for everything.  I thank Him for good, bad, A, and D.  I thank Him for euphoria and dysphoria alike. Height and depth are His.  The vast expanse of human emotion is in his hands, and it is Good.

 I thank God that He is faithful.  He is faithful no matter what.  Believe it or not, God is greater than my ability to screw things up.  There is nowhere I can go, nothing I can do that is beyond the reach of His grace.  He promises never to leave or forsake me.  He keeps His promises. 


Now thank we all our God!
Rock, star, and atom
Sing praises when we do not.
His faithfulness no one can fathom.


Earth, fire, and wind obey
My prayer is that we too may
So thank our God above
For His unfailing Love.

Fear of the (Previously) Known

When you remember things, your brain interprets the memories and then re-stores those memories, only it stores the re-interpreted versions. Over a (not so) long period of time, a memory can undergo the psychological equivalent of a game of telephone and by the end hardly resemble the original occurrence.

When a memory is stored in the first place, it is first filtered by your brain's interpretation. Not one memory is raw perception. Every thing you remember and know is shaped by how you perceive, both at the time of perception as well as when you remember.

What is possible, then, is for the capacity for an emotion at the time of perception and storage of a memory to be different than at the time of remembrance. In other words, there are memories that you can't comprehend at certain valleys of emotional fortitude.

This poses a fascinating problem: Does the recall of a memory with a strong emotional content at a weak emotional state result in the destruction of the emotion present in the memory? In other words, can you forget by remembering?


Writing is an invention that allows humanity to pass information throughout the ages. It is by this invention that we know the works of Homer, Shakespeare, and have the Bible to this day. The correlation of literacy to the elevation of civilization is constant and parallel. Writing's main purpose, though, is not to aid in remembering. It was created so we could forget. We write things down so we don't have to retain it. The words don't change or alter throughout time. They are the same today and will be in a thousand years.

I wish there was a language for the soul. I wish I could remember by forgetting into a medium that could contain my emotion. Then I could safely remember without the fear of losing dear memories. There isn't. I can't.

I've been trying not to remember so I don't forget.

Is it wrong to think you're beautiful?
Is it wrong to feel your pull?
Is it wrong to want to be your friend?
Is it wrong to love your soul?

Logic leave us

I've been thinking a lot about what i want to do with the rest of my life. More precisely, I've been trying to sort out what to major in in college. The top majors on my list are all technical ones. God has given me a brilliant mind. He has also given me the heart to see beauty and love. Sometimes, though, I feel like Spock. Love and Logic clash. Input not found. Love is not logical, but love is real. It is not a reasoned dissertation that moves the soul, but love. What amazes me is that I can see the beauty in logic. This is my gift. The most intricate theories of mathematics are beautiful. Math is beautiful. But now read this poem (which is still a work in progress). Don't read it in silence. Read it aloud. Hear it. Feel it. Taste both it's structure and beauty.

Logic leave us, let us love.
Facts and figures fail to feel
After all falls from above
Love is left, alone is real.

But beauty flows from out the mind
Intangible touches to the soul
Makes a man a man of kind
Holds the heart, makes it whole

A friendship based in beauty and fact
Love meets Logic hand in hand
Never did such strange attract
Free to fly, never to land.

Merry Christmas!

At the end

And
At the end
We lie on our beds in the dark
Gazing towards the heavens
Thinking aloud in silence

It is then we realize infinity is naught
and God is real

Our souls pour out to the darkness
To the Light

We pray

To the one who Loves us
We give love
Worship and Praise
Ask forgiveness and try to make sense of the world
We talk to our father

Conscious fades and we are transported
To a world of dreams
Where we taste Heaven
And Hell

We are shaped every night
By our time with God

We are His image
Angels know not

And
At the end
We lie on our beds in the dark
Gazing towards the heavens
Thinking aloud in silence

All covered in dust...

Thinking in silence, praying to God
Scattered emotions all covered in dust
Should I freely give my heart
And with whom can I trust?

You see love another way
In Faith she truly understands
It’s like another language whose
Translation baffles words of man.

You refuse to see His love
But God is what sets her apart.
It tears me to see you alone
But you can’t understand my heart.

My heart remains unspoken of
And till God wills it shall remain.
I wait at rest until the day
When I can freely love.